I will say in advance, of everything else, that this is the hardest thing I’ve ever written in my life.
In March 2014 I was seven months pregnant and quite content with my lot. 12 months later my world fell apart. It was my first Mother’s Day and I woke up to a card and a screaming baby.
Our plans for the day were to breakfast out, followed by me preparing lunch for the whole family, including my mother-in-law, at my mom and dad’s house. The day did not quite pan out like that… By 11 AM my husband had left me and I was alone in a house with a nine month old baby and three dogs.
The previous nine months had gone from bad, to worse, to excruciating in our house. I genuinely believed my husband was the devil incarnate. He couldn’t even breath without me screaming at him. Our daughter cried for what felt like 50 hours a day and wasn’t sleeping through the night.
I had gone back to work part time (using my accrued annual leave entitlement to allow me to go back to work slowly). My husband was working full time and living with a monster.
From the outside it was sunshine and roses; we had everything a family could possibly want. From the double fronted terraced house in a nice neighbourhood, to the child, the dogs, the careers and even the Volvo! What wasn’t there to love?
Inside our house a storm was raging, mainly inside me. I have never been so angry. And I just didn’t know why…… my sex drive had disappeared entirely, my child just didn’t sleep, and my husband couldn’t even walk into a room without my skin crawling.
I thought I hated him. I had visited the GP, been to specialists at the hospital, seen the midwife and Health Visitor, and spoken to friends and family; but none of them answered why I felt the way I did.
The day Paul left, I didn’t blame him one little bit. And I wasn’t sure if it was right or not; I didn’t know if my happy family was simply a facade that we had created. To everyone else we were perfect, to us we were anything but.
All the following week, and I cringe and die a little bit inside when I say this, I just couldn’t wait for him to take our daughter off my hands. To hand her over and be me. Freedom….my heart breaks at the memory of how I felt then.
I was completely numb. I loved her with every breath in my body and every beat of my heart but I just needed…..I didn’t know.
During that week my friends came to the rescue, as they have done in the past and I’m sure they will again. One particular friend, one of the quieter girls in the group I hasten to add, sent me a link to a webpage that saved my marriage, and my life as I knew it. Check it out….
If you have been affected by anything in my story, books and other supportive media are available here or here.
Lots of help is available at mind.org.uk and at PNI.org.uk
You can contact me through the website, via email or on any of my social media accounts if you need to talk.